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DarkAntiCrista

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If you only knew... [13 Oct 2009|03:41pm]
[ mood | drained ]

...you’d understand.

Waking up feeling like someones’ scraping out your brain.
Waking up and not being able to move for 40 minutes.
When you wake up like that it’s hard to have a good day.
You lay there thinking you’re useless.
You lay there thinking you’re a failure.
40 minutes is enough time to re-live your regrets.
40 minutes in your head is painful alone.
You don’t get answers.
You don’t get relief.
There is no damn reason for any of it.
Fury, sadness, they go round and round.
Every morning.
Like clockwork.
When you get away some of the pressure lifts.
It’s those few days you get, each month, that get you through.
Enjoy those times, because when it’s over you’re back in hell.

“Happiness and peace of mind, were never meant for me.”

my bullets never miss their mark

Crap nuggets. [05 Oct 2009|01:46pm]
[ mood | listless ]

So... I can't go to AUSA... It's the weekend of the OSDA Championship game. If there's any chance I'm playing, I'm not shelling out over $400 for a con I'll miss...

*sigh*

AUSA is my favorite too... and Steve Blum is going to be there... Gah...

I don't let anyone in my sight get away| my bullets never miss their mark

My WEIRD dream... [30 Sep 2009|03:16pm]
[ mood | awake ]

...Really weird...

I'm on this ship, a beautiful corsair made of ebony wood three floors high, and like always, dream me knows why, but I don't. First thing I remember is being in a long kitchen, gutting fish (normal looking fish, starfish and crabs?) and then stuffing them, and frying them. Seemed important to the "mission". We were fighting England but I doubt we were America. This all seemed to be some sort of training/reenactment. We wore black leather trench coats, double breasted with metal buttons, resembling the black Vash coat. After the fish, we started to get into formation. Some of us snuck away to man spear guns, and the rest of us lined up to "jog around the ship for exercise" actually wearing exercise clothes (black t-shirts and shorts). The enemy was on a ship not more than 50ft away from us, and they had mounted an attack already, doing nothing to us, and it was "our turn". Jogging around the ship was actually a ploy to see if they were trying to board us, and they were. This is when we used odd hand to hand combat and knives to fight fake fights, taking them as our prisoners. I used a larger shipmate as a shield and engaged a skilled fighter who had an extending switchblade. It was like Goku's power pole. The blade wasn't sharp and I grabbed it, twisting, then he extended it to my throat, which would have meant a kill, but I argued that since he was on our ship, it doesn't matter, while he and I were fighting my shipmates would have killed him a different way, and we took him. We finished our jog and then things seemed real. I then flashed to seeing the captain talking to the enemies captain, who looked like Marie Antoinette, on our ship in his quarters. He laughed at her for some reason, said fire and all I saw were tons of spears flying at the other ship, then I saw into the enemy cabins, and these spears were impaling them while they were sleeping. Waking up in agony, some of them were trying to wedge free, while these spears being as long as javelins made it quite difficult. They couldn't pull them out of the wood so they had to try to inch off the 15ft or so of splintering wood. I then flashed back to the captain, who then said fire once more.

We were at the docks and I got off the ship. As soon as I set foot on land, I was me again, and I was in Japan. For some reason Justin was with me now. We walked into a giant shopping mall. Lots of glass. The walls were glass, the ceiling was glass, it was beautiful, yet as soon as you walked in, it was FILLED with anything you could think of. We seemed to drift to a wall of sweaters and hoodies. I saw a 1up hoodie and thought it would be perfect for Dave. For some reason he WASN'T here. I'm holding the hoodie and another object, can't remember, while walking down another aisle. This aisle has bags and luggage. We hear a voice over the loudspeaker saying to bring all purchases to checkout. The voice, a woman, was speaking Japanese, but we heard it as English. Suddenly with this feeling of panic I think were going to miss our flight and we have to hurry, and now with all this new stuff, we have to buy a bag to put it in for the flight. I start trying to look at the luggage and Justin puts himself in front of me and holds me back. I have no idea why, but at this point he wasn't Justin anymore and it was a dark figure trying to rape me or something, right there. I broke away and Justin reappeared, making me think I was crazy, but no time, the mall was closing and we had stuff to buy. As we were walking to find the checkouts a raffle for model kits started happening at a booth in front of a huge window. Between the booth and the window were crystal figures of all the chibi representations for every county in Japan. I walked up to the booth and that's then I saw a little Piccolo figurine. There were price tags all over everything with numbers hovering over them, as if subtitled, for USD. It was only $10 and I had to get it for Dave. I see a flash back to him saying "This was my first Piccolo figurine, but it was lost somewhere" while showing me pictures of it online. It was rare and couldn't be found anywhere. Justin took our stuff and went to pay for it while I stayed at the booth and waited for the raffle to end so I could ask the women about buying it. I said "Please can I buy that figure, my fiance would love it and he has been looking for it forever". After being told it couldn't be sold because it had a hold on it, she showed me 4 or 5 model "sets" so I cold find a Piccolo that looked like that one. I did, and it was full of other figurines that we liked so I decided to get it. She asked for my name and then asked, with a serious face "Who told you to say that name?" I replied with a simple "No one" and a confused look. She then changed back to happy and handed me the model set. It had my name on the packaging and it cost $17.99. I turned to see Justin walking back, dressed in what I can easily describe as a SeeD uniform from FFVIII, but without being a SeeD uniform... o_O... and then we left... and I woke up.

I just wrote all this upon waking up, so yeah, grammar and shit, fuck off.

my bullets never miss their mark

[29 Sep 2009|05:06pm]
I've been posting to my tumblr lately... PEOPLE MAKE ONE!!

http://hexadecimate.tumblr.com/
my bullets never miss their mark

Why do I get this feeling... [29 Sep 2009|12:39pm]
[ mood | awake ]

That when I got back to practice it's going to be like starting over again. I'll be the first to admit I haven't been doing personal pace lines and shit, but I have been trying to up my endurance... I've knocked off about a second a lap, but I have a feeling that's only because I'm faster on the outdoor rink, and not that I'm GETTING faster. Mac also improved her time when she came out with me, so that's why I'm thinking it's the rink and not us.

Oct. 15th I get these new pain injections. It's a Thursday, so hopefully 1)they don't hurt TOO much and 2)if they do I'll be good to skate again Sunday. Doc and I are trying EVERYTHING to avoid surgery and thankfully there's about 5 more things after this we can try if it doesn't work.

I hope that my back is really the only thing holding me back (HAH) and that I'll be able to build up more skills when I'm not constantly in pain. It's sad that simply skating in the pace line hurts. If I'm having a good day with my pain killers (Which aren't working like they used to) I'm dealing with shortness of breath. IF both of those are covered, it's something else, like the giant blister on my foot. Ah well, the month off did get that thing healed up and I have tons of moleskin now, so we'll see.

Skinned knees (from hell) and all, I really can't wait to get back to practice.

my bullets never miss their mark

Oh hai LJ... [21 Sep 2009|11:46pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Question: Who's going to AUSA this year?

I don't let anyone in my sight get away| my bullets never miss their mark

Doc came through... [28 Jul 2009|02:07am]
Vicodin. I has it.
my bullets never miss their mark

*sigh* [27 Jul 2009|04:09pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I'm really hoping therapy goes well today... and that maybe I get new medications... the Tramadol only worked once for me... the first time I took it... since then it's never done anything... I need something that will actually help me... so I can skate or jog or swim or work out longer than 5 minutes...

my bullets never miss their mark

Dave got me a present :3 [27 Jul 2009|12:56am]
[ mood | happy ]

Yesterday Dave gave me this pretty necklace (need to get a better pic).
It's all real gold and little diamonds, I'd have to say 60 of em (I counted but lost count after 55, there really doesn't look like there are that many, it's deceiving lol and going by similar necklaces I can find, it looks between 1/3 and 1/2ct total) and it's a heart. This is the first jewelry present he's gotten me besides my engagement ring as I recall :) I love it.

my bullets never miss their mark

I hate where I am. [19 Jun 2009|08:29am]
[ mood | depressed ]

You know... having no money really puts a strain on A LOT of things. Health, relationships, everything. Seriously. I haven't been too social lately because it seems like even leaving the house costs money... and all my free time at home has been devoted to keeping everything clean enough so Dave's mom doesn't bitch or worrying about bills.

This week I was told by my doctor to take off from work because of my back. (last two vertebra in my back are out of place, the last one is cracked, slipped discs and the physical therapy is just as painful) If we didn't have to pay this DAMN RENT every DAMN WEEK and maybe just paid a lump sum at the end of the month, there wouldn't have been an issue with me taking off... buuut since we have to pay each week, we're screwed. I can't pay bills/credit cards, the cards are MAXED out basically and we have $300 in the bank, $100 of which is paying for car insurance in two days... and we owe Dave's mom $250. We could probably scrape up the $50... but that leaves NO money in the bank for 5+ days... and I KNOW something is going to get automatically withdrawn and COMPLETELY fuck us over.

Oh yeah, and no place I've applied at for a job is calling me. I've even changed my availability for them all. Still nothing. I'm hanging on the whim of one place, but they're taking their damn time. I'm down to maybe $70 a week at Curves, and my physical therapy costs about $50 a week. The other $20 of that MAYBE pays for gas. We're now $150 a week short from where we need to be and THOUGHT we would be when moving back here. I can't deal with this. I'm close to going to GCCC, seeing if they'll accept me for collage, and getting a damn education grant. I read that some even pay for living expenses while going to school with money up front as well. I need to pay off my debt to go to school, so I'll use the grant money to do that AND pay for collage... If only I knew what I wanted to FUCKING study at community collage... Their courses are shit... then again there are grants for people like me just to live... but I have NO idea who to talk to about applying for those kind... and all the online things I find charge more money than it's worth and more than I have...

I'm dead tired today. The days I have therapy I have to wake up with Dave (5am) and drive him to work so I can have the car for my 11:45am appointments... By the time I get home from the 30minute drive it takes me, if I'm lucky, two hours to get to sleep. Today I can't GO to sleep because I have to wait for siding guys to come and I have to give them a check for Dave's mom because they're "out" today.

I'm really going crazy. I'm really close to looking through stuff to sell at a pawn shop...

All these people winning millions and these assholes who have cake jobs that pay +$80,000 a year really piss me off. $10,000. That would solve ALL my problems. I don't CARE if I have to work for it... but please, I'd like to make more than $8,000 a YEAR.

I really am close to the edge.

I don't let anyone in my sight get away| my bullets never miss their mark

We has a flavor... [03 Mar 2009|11:39pm]
and that flavor is Epic-Street-Fighter-Movie-Going-Nessness...


I don't let anyone in my sight get away| my bullets never miss their mark

Watchmen... [03 Mar 2009|05:02pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I'M SICK OF ALL THE PEOPLE ALL OF A SUDDEN (the past couple months to weeks) FREAKING OUT about Watchmen. When I first saw the preview I KNEW WHAT IT WAS RIGHT WHEN I SAW ARCHIE and no one... NO ONE was freaking out about it. I looked like an idiot in the theater.

Slowly some of you got into it, and I'm happy for you... but did anyone here read this when you were 6 years old? No. For those of you who've read it, good. I'm happy. I'm not mad at you... I'm kinda just mad at the people expecting the next blockbuster from this story. The reviews I've been reading leave me wondering. I liked walking away from the book hating the characters, I felt it was a deep and well written story... Now... I just don't know...

I'll be seeing Watchmen eventually, and I do know I'll like it. I've just got such a bad taste in my mouth from all you idiots jumping on the bandwagon. Way to ruin something awesome for me, human race.

I don't let anyone in my sight get away| my bullets never miss their mark

Because America wants heart disease but is too lazy to cook the bacon... [25 Feb 2009|11:22pm]



This is real...
I don't let anyone in my sight get away| my bullets never miss their mark

Remember those dancing prisoners?... [23 Feb 2009|12:20am]
Well, you anime fans will get a kick out of this one...


my bullets never miss their mark

Michael Jackson and Alfonso Ribeiro back in the day... [12 Feb 2009|08:00am]
One... this is AWESOME...

You're a whole new generation
You're dancing through the day
You're grabbing for the magic on the run
You're a whole new generation
You're lovin' what you do
Put a Pepsi in the motion
That choice is up to you
Hey-hey

You're the Pepsi Generation
Guzzle down and
Taste the thrill of the day
And feel the Pepsi way
Taste the thrill of the day
And feel the Pepsi way


I want this ad to come back.

Two... I WANT THIS...:


I'm totally serious...
I don't let anyone in my sight get away| my bullets never miss their mark

Valentines Day makes me... it annoys me. [12 Feb 2009|05:52am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I'm... I... Gah. I hate liking girl things...
ADORABLE:




I've been seeing these Vermont Teddy Bear commercials for years now.. but this is the first year I've seen these three bears. THESE ARE AWESOME TEDDY BEARS. I don't usually like this kinda stuff... and they're so expensive... but it seems like everything made for Valentines Day is expensive...

AWESOME:
Steven Singer... The gold dipped roses?! AWESOME... This rose from them:

JUST AS AWESOME. Look at that... it's... wow.

JEWELRY:
These are still awesome (they've been in my amazon.com wish list for a while now). In order of... awesomeness high to low... I guess...

Yes. I still want this damn necklace. I'd wear it in the middle of the damn summer.
These two are too close in the awesome %
Simple, but pretty.

...Now... I have NO CLUE why I'm posting this crap. I guess I just wanna see if other girls like it? Iunno. I know I'm not getting anything like this for Valentines Day because Dave and I are poor. I'M NOT BITTER.. I know if Dave and I were doing better I'd be getting something. I dried the roses he gave me for our first Valentines Day, and even though the color is all brown, dull and dusty because I didn't know what I was doing, I still have those roses. Since I never got flowers before, that was good for a couple years worth of V-Days :P


I don't let anyone in my sight get away| my bullets never miss their mark

More... please click... [11 Feb 2009|01:40am]
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!
my bullets never miss their mark

My life it seems has taken a turn... why in the name of god would I ever want to return... [10 Feb 2009|05:54am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Um. Yeah. We're moving. Getting things fixed money wise. Looking into collage courses and certifications. Looking into loans.. and grants. Need a crap used car for commute... or I'm quitting. I don't want to. But. Things are happening. I need to focus on school if I want to make money. I've been making $7,000 A YEAR for 4 years now. Now you all know. If it weren't for Dave... I'd be, for lack of a better word, fucked. He's everything. Not having a GED really screws you job wise, especially in New Jersey... Wawa, CVS, Family Dollar... they don't even want me. I need to, and I've been scared shitless to do it, but I need to get a loan. I have no parents to get money from... my trust fund, is around $1500. That's shit. We're using it to hire movers. I need a loan. I'll pay off everything and get schooling... and then focus on paying off the loan. I have to... I'm scared... but... yeah.

There have been other things... changing... too....
No one really knows, and I'm not getting into it on here... but yeah.

Sunspots cast a glare in my eyes
Sometimes I forget I'm alive
I feel it coming and I've got to get out of its way
I hear it calling and I come cause I can't disobey
I should not listen and I shouldn't believe but I do
Yes I do

She turns me on
She makes it real
I have to apologize
For the way I feel

My life it seems has taken a turn
Why in the name of God would I ever want to return?
Peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
Fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
I want to kill away the rest of what's left and I do
Yes I do

She turns me on
She makes it real
I have to apologize
For the way I feel
And nothing can stop me now
And there is nothing to fear
And everything I'd ever want
Is inside of here

Now I just stare into the sun
And I see everything I've done
I think I could have been someone
But I can't stop what has begun
When everything is said and done
And there is no place left to run
I think I used to be someone
Now I just stare into the sun

Quoting Sunspots kinda... makes a lot of sense... gah... damn you Trent.

I need to stop staring into the sun now. I need to get my life in order. I need to get my head together. I need to get a hold of my heart. Dave. Help me. Justin. Help me. Growing up is scaring me.

my bullets never miss their mark

On Valentines Day even... [06 Feb 2009|11:04am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

GOODBYE SPRINT!!!!!! YOU SUCKED FOR TWO YEARS STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!

my bullets never miss their mark

Computertraining.com... [06 Feb 2009|10:05am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Ok. I needed the car today for a doctors appointment, so on the way home from Wawa I hear the computertraining.com ad. "The online skills assessment" and all. So, I just took it... and after the first 20 questions it sent me straight to a "level 2" assessment. It said some crap about "level 1 being too easy for someone of your level". Made me feel smart. The next 10 questions... mostly all network stuff... were kinda Greek to me. I think I got MAYBE 4 right, and I couldn't repeat them if you asked... so yeeeah. Anyway, it said that they were advanced and to not expect to get them right, so I don't feel like a complete idiot, and if they like my results I'll hear from them in 48 hours. If you're bored, go take the test, tell me how you fare, and if it's easy. The type of people who answer this post will tell me if I'm smarter than normal people when it comes to computers or if I'm just lucky. :P

They have financial aid and I'm going to look into grants that someone at work gave me a list of that I might qualify for... but I need to get some fucking schooling. (I'm still waiting for the damn online GED program to get back to me... they keep saying Spring, but I wanna know WHEN. At this rate, I'm close to either borrowing or buying some math and basic GED prep books from Barnes & Noble, going over crap and just go take the damn test with no classes...)

*EDIT* Noon:
Ok. HOLY CRAP. Computertraining.com JUST CALLED ME. I spoke with this awesome woman, the Assistant Director of Admissions (sounds spiffy), Karen... and she told me my test results. I got 90% in the first part, the easy stuff, which I kinda guessed, but in the advanced level 2 crap, which is part of the actual curriculum... the average is 8-10% correct... I GOT 50%. She asked where I received my training and took classes... and when I told her I've never had a computer course in my life she actually flipped out on the phone, saying stuff like: No... you don't just know this stuff...that's... wow. I KNEW it was a good idea to call you right away. People in the office actually reacted to her reaction as well... We talked for 20 minutes about my goals, my current job/ place in life, my likes, stuff like that... I'm going to the King of Prussia campus Tuesday at 11am. I'M FLIPPING OUT. (I did lie though... on the test... when it asked about high school diploma/GED... I asked her if I needed to bring anything with me for this meeting and she said "nothing but your questions". So now I really gotta make sure I get my GED... fast... unless they don't even check into it... but I wouldn't be that lucky.) She wants me to come in, speak with the Director of Admissions, Deirdre Zirn, and even sit in on a couple classes while I'm there... THIS IS AMAZING... how am I going to afford this... SHIT SHIT SHIT... I am still happy though... AWESOME THINGS ARE HAPPENING.

my bullets never miss their mark

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